Sunday, April 24, 2011

DD#163 I'm a mess!

So I managed to get the girls all up, fed, dressed, and out the door for church at 8:15 this morning, but that wasn't the hardest part of the day. I think I cried for about half of the service this morning. I was a mess!

My tears came from a combination of things, both happy and sad. I'll start with the sad...

I have come to strongly dislike going to church without my husband. To the point that we have only been going maybe once a month. It's easy to find a reason to stay home, but it's just an excuse. I don't know why it's so hard on me this time around. I've done it twice before, right? I had my moments, but this deployment it seems that every time I sit down in that pew a sadness comes over me. I can get through the week and do all sorts of other things just fine, but going to church really makes me miss him.

So combine that with the guilt of not going to church and my heart just hurt this morning. My tears came as part of an apology to God for being disobedient. Like a child telling their dad what they had done wrong (I have never liked being in trouble and still hate confrontation).  My children have suffered because of this. I know I'm not the parent I could be, because my focus is not where it should be. I think a little part of me is angry about our circumstances and this deployment. And then when I quit going to church, I was angry because no one noticed. At least that's how it seemed...

And then on top of that, I tend to cry at communion anyway. The reminder of how much we are loved and what lengths God was willing to go to so that we could be with him in Heaven regardless of how selfish and sinful we have been. So today as I confessed my sins to my God and thought about the gift that He had given me, I cried even harder. In fact I'm crying now as I write this out. Who knows what the people around me were thinking, I was just glad I didn't have time to put mascara on this morning!

So it's time to climb out of this valley and get back up on the path, turn around and face God instead of trying to hide (because we all know how well that works!) and act according to His will and not my own.

Thank you God for being a loving, forgiving God. Thank you for the gift of you son, Jesus Christ. I don't deserve what you did for me, but I am grateful for the sacrifice.

He is Risen! Alleluia!!!


JTull said...


Please know i am here if you need someone. I can only imagine how hard any deployment is much less a third one. Keep your chin up. You are a GREAT Mom and your kids love you! God Loves you, and he knows even if you arent at church that you are still loving him.

and once again, if you need anything, just let me know. I am here.

vanilla143 said...

While I do not know the circumstances to this deployment Sara. I can tell you that we just completed our 3rd deployment and it was the most difficult deployment yet. Further he was safer than he has ever been. I think deployments get more difficult not easier because you have been thru it before. I will keep you in prayer.
Remember Sara God loves you and knows how you feel regardless tell Him what you think... at least you will be talking to Him and that is relationship.