DD#163 I'm a mess!

So I managed to get the girls all up, fed, dressed, and out the door for church at 8:15 this morning, but that wasn't the hardest part of the day. I think I cried for about half of the service this morning. I was a mess!

My tears came from a combination of things, both happy and sad. I'll start with the sad...

I have come to strongly dislike going to church without my husband. To the point that we have only been going maybe once a month. It's easy to find a reason to stay home, but it's just an excuse. I don't know why it's so hard on me this time around. I've done it twice before, right? I had my moments, but this deployment it seems that every time I sit down in that pew a sadness comes over me. I can get through the week and do all sorts of other things just fine, but going to church really makes me miss him.

So combine that with the guilt of not going to church and my heart just hurt this morning. My tears came as part of an apology to God for being disobedient. Like a child telling their dad what they had done wrong (I have never liked being in trouble and still hate confrontation).  My children have suffered because of this. I know I'm not the parent I could be, because my focus is not where it should be. I think a little part of me is angry about our circumstances and this deployment. And then when I quit going to church, I was angry because no one noticed. At least that's how it seemed...

And then on top of that, I tend to cry at communion anyway. The reminder of how much we are loved and what lengths God was willing to go to so that we could be with him in Heaven regardless of how selfish and sinful we have been. So today as I confessed my sins to my God and thought about the gift that He had given me, I cried even harder. In fact I'm crying now as I write this out. Who knows what the people around me were thinking, I was just glad I didn't have time to put mascara on this morning!

So it's time to climb out of this valley and get back up on the path, turn around and face God instead of trying to hide (because we all know how well that works!) and act according to His will and not my own.

Thank you God for being a loving, forgiving God. Thank you for the gift of you son, Jesus Christ. I don't deserve what you did for me, but I am grateful for the sacrifice.

He is Risen! Alleluia!!!

DD#77 Where did January go??

I feel like I've been missing in action for the last month! I can't believe I haven't written anything since Christmas. I haven't done much of anything besides studying Spanish since Christmas. Six weeks isn't a very long time to cover a semesters worth of Spanish! I'm definitely learning the language though and its made the last month of this deployment fly by! I can't believe we're already to day 77 since Scott left...that's 2 months and 3 weeks. It doesn't seem like that's possible, but I'll take it. It also means we have less than 2 months until R&R. Hmmm....that also means 9 months and 1 week left to go give or take some weeks.

My kids seem to have adjusted to the deployment. I know they still miss their dad, but we aren't having the meltdowns and continual arguing we had the first few weeks. I think I worry more about my husband and the toll that multiple deployments have on him. Its not just that he's far away from his family for a year, but the incredibly long work hours. Its often between one and two in the morning in Iraq before he logs onto messenger so we can talk to him a little. As Army families we don't normally sit back and contemplate the toll it takes on our soldiers and our families, we just keep going regardless of what the army puts in our way.

Scott will hit 16 years of service this June. I'm wondering how long past 20 he'll stay in. You can only ask so much of people and I know we're both worn out and tired of living apart. How can we expect them to miss 3, 4, 5, or 6 years of their kids lives? What's really sad is that after the first few deployments the kids become used to their parents being gone. I realize that for Megan this has become her normal. Mom does everything and takes them to all of their activities and Dad is off working halfway around the world. As much as I love Army life, more and more of me longs for the day he retires and we get to settle down and be a normal family again.

DD#23 Crazy Busy

As much as I hate my kids being sick, I'm sort of glad that Megan and Anna aren't feeling all that great today. Anna's allergies are acting up which makes her asthma flare and Megan seems to have a light case of the flu. I really don't like backing out on people at the last minute, but it’s better than making other people sick or making my kids suffer because of an obligation.


The reason I like this is because my house has been suffering the effects of a busy week. The laundry is taking over, the kitchen floor is sticky with who knows what, and my bedroom looks like a tornado hit it, just to name a few of the hot spots in the house! Maybe I can call this Deployed Spouse With Too Many Kids Syndrome? One of the ways my husband compliments my personality is that he is the neat and organized one and I seem to be more compelled to fight my disorderly instinct and keep more on top of the housework. I guess you could say he's my motivation. Motivation doesn't seem to help too much when its halfway around the world!

So the goal today is to get the house back in order before we start a new crazy busy week!

DD#8 Adventures in Kansas City

I had a great time yesterday in Leavenworth, KS and Kansas City with some great friends who all used to be here at Ft.Riley with me. My oldest daughter and her friend went to do Program Aide Training at the Girl Scout Council Headquarters and the little girls went to my friends house and stayed with a babysitter all day. It was a good sanity break for myself!

We started out at Artistic Works by Lu in Leavenworth. Its a great little store with all sorts of fun jewelry and accessories, like hats, sweaters, etc...I was able to pick up Christmas presents for a few people and use my birthday money from my parents. Lu created a necklace called the Deployment/Travelling Prayer. It has a pendant on it that has an Irish wedding ring on it and then on the back it says, “The Lord watch over me and thee while we are absent one from another.” I absolutely love it!!

After we were done there we went over to June's Cottage in Leavenworth so I could satisfy my craving for the chicken salad sandwich she has on the menu! That and some yummy soup was perfect for a chilly afternoon. It was great to be able to catch with my friends. I think we could have talked for hours, but we had other places to be!

Saturday is not a good day to go to Oak Park Mall in KC. After we picked up the big girls we headed over to the mall to go to the American Girl Store. I was ready to leave it after I walked through the door, but the girls were in heaven. I had much more fun going to Barnes and Noble and then to Panera.

It was a long day, but well worth it. Thank you Lord for wonderful friends. They definitely make things like deployments much more bearable!

Deployment Day #2

One of the greatest disadvantages of being a single mom with four children is that when one of them gets sick, we all end up staying home. I was woken up by my five year old daughter this morning wheezing and coughing. The cold weather has made her asthma flare up. So we ended up staying home and resting. Just one more thing adding to an already stressful weekend.

I've come to the conclusion that although this is our third deployment, what makes this surreal is that it comes so close on the heels on the last deployment. To add to that, with training and other TDYs he was only home for about 10 months, 10 very busy months. I feel like we barely had time to breathe and get used to being around each other again.

Hopefully returning to the routine on Monday will help me break out of this funk I'm finding myself in. Keeping busy always helps because I have little time to think about being lonely. I can't say that I'm ever really alone because of the kids and my wonderful friends, but they can't take the place of my best friend and the absence of him at the table, on the couch, running next to me, and in our bed make me feel lonely. Like most women in my position, the quiet time in the evening after the kids are asleep is bittersweet. I love being able to unwind, have a glass of wine, and watch shows off the DVR, but I miss the adult conversation and being able to share my day with my husband.

I can't wait till he gets internet access in his room...seeing his face and talking to him, even if it is only for a few minutes, helps me get through my days.